Struggling to Connect? Build a Deeper Bond with Couples Therapy in Murrieta CA

Do you ever find yourself wishing to be closer to your partner but don’t know how? Maybe you’ve tried to connect on deeper levels but somehow the conversation seems to stay at a surface level or when you try to talk about sensitive topics the subject gets changed. You find yourself wanting to know more about your partner but feel afraid to ask more or push too much. Or maybe you want to share bigger parts of yourself with your partner but they get uncomfortable or upset when you try.

If you’re finding yourself stuck in this place of wanting more connection but now knowing how to get it, you’ve come to the right place. For starters, Hello! My name is Jackie and I am one of the couples therapists here at Inland Empire Couples Counseling.

The Power of Vulnerability in Relationships with Marriage Counseling in Riverside CA

I have found in my work with couples that connection is hard to achieve and also maintain in relationships because of our struggle to be vulnerable. As humans we deeply want to be loved, however, we are often guarded from fear of rejection, pain from past hurts, or insecurities about who we are. Because of our fears, pain and insecurities, it becomes incredibly difficult to lower our walls down and invite people in. Vulnerability requires us to show others who we truly are or how we really feel, without knowing for certain how they will respond. It is so challenging for us to be vulnerable with others because there is a risk that they can reject, take advantage, insult, or even hurt us. And if this has been our history in childhood or in past relationships, there’s not only fear of letting someone in but also a lived experience that says the risks are likely possibilities.

Though guarding ourselves may make us feel safe from rejection or pain, keeping our walls up will often lead us (or our partners) to feel disconnected or alone. We can’t be close to our partner if we keep them at arms distance away. And so if we are wanting closeness and connection, how do we take a step closer to each other, if there is a big risk or likely outcome of rejection, pain, or hurt?

10 Tips to Create Space for Vulnerability

SAFETY: If your partner ever shares that they don’t feel comfortable or want to talk about something with you, don’t push for more. Pressuring someone to share something they are not ready to talk about will destroy their sense of safety with you and shut down vulnerability. Respect their boundaries and feel free to offer an invitation for a later discussion if they would like to talk about it with you in the future.

RESPECT: When your partner shares something with you, assume that it is for your ears only. Oftentimes we will not be vulnerable in relationships if we cannot trust our partner to keep the things we share with them private. Protect their stories by keeping your conversations between you two and allow them to choose when or if they want to share more with others.

PRIVACY: Getting vulnerable usually requires a certain amount of revealing, so consider your surroundings. You may want to have deeper or harder conversations in private, so that if emotion rises, you can feel safe to let it out without others being able to hear or see your personal conversations.

UNDIVIDED ATTENTION: If you want to have a deep conversation with your partner, you’ll want to reduce distractions in order to give your partner your full attention. There’s nothing worse than having a vulnerable moment get interrupted by a sports play on TV or a video on social media. Put your phones down or on silent, turn the TV off, and/or get a sitter for the kids.

PROVIDE AFFECTION: At a minimum, provide your partner eye contact and body language that shows your affection for your partner (i.e. face towards them, lean in). If it feels appropriate, offer to hold their hand or sit close as they share their stories with you. In a moment of vulnerability, your physical presence can reassure your partner that you love them and want to be close.

CURIOSITY: Sometimes we don’t get much information from our partners because we don’t ask many questions. We can invite vulnerability with our curiosity and excitement to know them. Get curious with your partner by asking them questions like “What was it like for you when ____ ?” or “What were you feeling when ____ ?”.

JUDGEMENT FREE: Another roadblock to vulnerability is judgement. With judgement, we begin to hide or lie about the parts of ourselves that others have deemed as “bad” or “wrong”. If you want to provide an environment that welcomes vulnerability, you’ll need to model and accept honesty, authenticity and acceptance of your partner and the parts of themself that they have been taught to hide.

VALIDATION: Offer validation for the thought and emotions they share with you. For example “It makes sense that you would feel hurt when ____ because …”, or “I can understand that you would think ____ because ….”.

GRATITUDE: Express appreciation for the things your partner shares with you. Remember, vulnerability requires a certain amount of bravery and it’s helpful for our partners to know that we appreciated the risk they took to reveal themselves to us and let us into their world.

PROTECT: These deep conversations between you and your partner should be treated with care. In conflict or heated moments, using our partner’s vulnerabilities against them as weapons is one of the quickest ways to destroy safety and trust in a relationship. Protect your partner’s stories and work to manage conflict in healthy ways.

As you can see, fostering vulnerability in relationships is no easy task. It requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to show up for each other. If you found these tips helpful and want to work on building more vulnerability and closeness in your relationship, we’d love to help! We offer free 15-minute consultations to provide more information or schedule therapy with us.

Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, and online couples counseling in California

At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.

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