How can couples move from reactive behavior to proactive problem solving? Advice from a couples therapist in Riverside CA

What is reactive behavior and why is it a problem?

You're trying to have a conversation with your partner and you say something that sets them off. They escalate and now you're upset that they're upset. You're not your best, they're not their best. You are yelling at each other or one of you has given the silent treatment and you walk away in a huff.

You’re devastated! How is this happening again? You're angry, you're sad, you're hurt. And you really don't understand how you and your partner are in this place again. It starts with something that seems really small like who's taking the kids to that birthday party this weekend. And then before you know it it seems like you're having the worst fight of your relationship.

That's reactivity! When we talk about reactivity, we're usually referring to those responses that seem to go from zero to 100 in less than a second. We're talking about the responses where it escalates so fast it makes your head spin.

Let’s make a differentiation here between a reaction and a response. A response is something that is thought out, where you're your best self, where your whole brain is online. A reaction is something that is automatic and usually doesn't have a lot of thought behind it.

Okay so why is reactivity a problem in relationships?

Well usually our reactions are not our most pro-relationship responses. They are the things that often come out of defensiveness or hurt.

When we feel attacked we may attack back. This may be partly out of defensiveness or a hope that the other person will stop. We are attempting to keep ourselves safe by hurting the other person so badly that they will back out of the conversation and stop hurting us. But, allowing this type of behavior or allowing this pattern to go unchecked really does not serve your relationship long term. It causes a lot of damage to both parties and does not promote any kind of productive problem solving.

In this post I’m going to help you move from reactive behavior into proactive problem solving. I want to help you and your partner get to a place where you remember how much you love each other, you feel like you're on the same team, and you are talking more about solutions than arguing over who's to blame for a problem.

How to cultivate proactive problem solving: 6 tips from a couples therapist in Riverside CA

1. Ask for what you want in positive terms

Asking for what you want in positive terms may help prevent reactivity in the first place. Here's what I mean by that: you're going to ask for what you want, not state what you don't want.

Stating what you don’t want: Don’t be on your phone now! Put it down.

Asking for what you want: Can I have some of your attention? I miss you.

What you don’t want: Stop telling your mom everything I say about her! Don’t you respect me at all? Can’t you see you’re making things worse?

Asking for what you want: I really value the connection between us and I want to feel comfortable to share things with you and know they stay between us. Will you keep what I’m about to say just between us please?

Shifting the way that you ask for your needs to be met isn't a guarantee that you will never have any arguments but it's a pretty simple way to at least set yourselves up for success. Even in the midst of an argument you could ask for what you want and not for what you don't want.

What you don’t want: Don't walk away from me!

Asking for what you want: Please let me finish what I had to say.

Or

Asking for what you want: Can we finish this conversation before you leave?

This is a hard skill for a lot of us. It's just easy to say no to what’s right in front of us. It takes more effort to think about and put into words what we actually want out of the situation. But it’s worth it! The extra effort sets the two of you up to have productive problem solving conversations.

You’ll be less likely to get stuck talking about what the problem is or arguing about who it to blame when you are working towards a solution.

2. What is the problem? Depersonalize it. Say it without criticism.

This strategy helps prevent reactivity from happening. Can you say what you want without criticism of your partner? Can you define the problem as something that we jointly need to solve and not finding it as a character flaw in your partner?

Example: The problem is that my partner is a slob.

Can you see how that is an attack on their character on who they are? Let’s define the problem a different way. If we depersonalize it and remove the criticism then the problem can be defined like this:

Example: The problem is that our home isn't clean and it’s stressing me out.

Or

Example: The problem is we aren't working together well on keeping our house clean. I think we need to have some new conversations about our expectations and our shared responsibilities there.

In the second example the problem is defined by something that the two of us are going to work together to solve and not a problem with the other person. Taking the time to think about how you are presenting a problem will go a long way towards reducing reactivity in your partner.

Read this article for more on how to talk about problems without criticism.

3. Boundaries: Is this true or about me? You don’t have to take everything in

Our partners are going to have complaints about us. They just will. We are two different people, we come from different backgrounds, we have different preferences and personalities. We are never going to be exactly the same and that's a good thing. But that also means that there will be times when we have to work on ways that we're not aligned. We're going to need to negotiate different preferences and personalilities.

And you know what? It is a good thing when your partner brings a complaint to you. Seriously. It's a good thing that they want the relationship to be better and they trust you enough to care about the situation. When your partner brings a complaint or problem to you, they are assuming you care about their feelings, you care about their comfort, and they trust that you would want to fix things to make life better for them. That's a good thing! It doesn't always feel like it when you're on the receiving end of a complaint about your relationship, but it really is an act of trust and hope in the relationship.

Okay so we know that complaints are going to happen and we know it doesn't always feel good to be on the receiving end of that. Part of how you can help reduce your own reactivity is to practice some good boundaries in how you receive the complaints from your partner.

We can pause, take a breath, and get some more information before we react. We might be asking questions like:

• Is this true?

• Is it about me?

• Is there something I can learn from this situation?

• Is there something I am not understanding?

It's very likely that your partner is seeing a situation differently than the way that you are seeing it, and that doesn't make one of you right and one of you wrong. You just see it differently and there's lots of room for you to get curious with one another and understand each other better.

That sounds nice, but how do you actually NOT take something personally?

That's where your boundary comes in! It's like a little net that catches criticisms or complaints that are coming at you. The net is going to catch it so that you can look at it, understand it, and get curious about it before you let it in. When we don't have this sort of boundary or a way to slow down the information coming in, we let everything in and then we get our feelings hurt and we react.

When we allow our boundary to catch the criticisms we can evaluate if the thing is even true and if it’s even about us. Sometimes our partners are stressed about work or they’re sick or tired and a little grumpy with us. When we can slow that down and see that their grumpiness isn’t even about us, we have no reason to be reactive! We can then respond to them with love and kindness, offering help for their stress. Or we can simply let them handle it, knowing it’s not about us anyway!

This boundary is still good for you even when something is true and is about you. Your boundary slowed the incoming information down enough that you can look at it and make thoughtful responses. You might find yourself saying “you know what? You’re right. I was not very sensitive in how I said that.” Or “that's right. We have been doing a lot of things my way and it sort of is my partner's turn to get to choose what we do for this holiday.”

Your boundary helps you not take things personally when they aren’t about you (reducing reactivity) and to respond thoughtfully when they are about you (also reducing reactivity). And, being good at boundaries is going to help you not take your stress out on your partner (which also reduces reactivity).

Boundaries for the win!

4. Take a break/breath when you need to

One of the best things we can do to stop reactivity in its tracks is to take a breath. This can be a literal breath or you might stop and actually take a time out of anywhere from 1 minute to 20 minutes. (Read more about the time-out strategy here) What we want to do is give yourself a little bit of time that you could choose to respond rather than react to the situation.

Here's the thing: our brains work really fast. And the part of your brain that reacts to something that is a threat or uncertainty works faster than the part of your brain that does perspective taking, empathy, creativity, and problem solving. So when you pause to take your time out or you pause to take 1-3 deep breaths, you are giving that higher part of your brain a chance to catch up to the other part that's already reactive and ready to fight with your partner. So even physiologically just taking a small pause to breathe before you respond to your partner sets you up to have more proactive problem solving because you'll be working from your whole brain rather than just the reactive scared part.

5. Work on defensiveness - take responsibility for your actions and attitudes

Nothing escalates reactivity quite like defensiveness. Defensiveness is when you are not taking responsibility for your actions or attitudes and when you or your partner are more concerned about defending your honor or defending your character than solving the problem or helping the other person.

And it's totally natural to get defensive when your partner makes an accusation or wants you to see how you’ve behaved badly. None of us wants to be shown the ways that we let someone down or said something hurtful or were careless with the people that we love. And defensiveness does not help.

What does help to reduce reactivity and move you towards proactive problem solving is to take responsibility for your actions and attitudes. So that might look like:

• A simple acknowledgment: you’re right.

• I'm sorry I hurt you.

• I can see how that came across bad.

• I didn't know that that's the meaning that you took from that. And I'm a little confused cuz it's not what I meant. Can you tell me more?

In the last example you're displaying some curiosity towards your partner to want to know their experience, which is another thing that really helps reduce defensiveness and move you towards practice problem solving. Another benefit of curiosity is that you might actually learn something about yourself and your partner that will help you not get into these same fights again in the future!

Taking responsibility is hard. And it’s important. You don't have to argue with your partner about the meaning of action. You just have to acknowledge that the thing happened. Maybe your partner is making a different meaning from it, but you just want to say ”yeah you're right I did say that. I'm sorry for the impact that it had on you. Even if my intention was not to cause harm I still have to take responsibility for the impact of my actions. I didn't mean to hurt you but I did hurt you. I gotta own that.”

6. Remember this person is your love

Perhaps while you're taking that break to breathe or working on how to depersonalize the problem, you might remind yourself that you love your partner. It's so simple but it really helps to remind yourself that this is your best friend, your lover, the person that you're choosing to spend this portion of your life with.

The reminder that we love each other can really help us shift out of animosity, anger, and resentment. We can move away from the idea that we are enemies and that one of us needs to win and shift into a state where we are feeling loving, collaborative, and cooperative.

It’s okay to ask for help when you need it

Please share this article with your partner and work on implementing the suggestions together. If you’ve tried and it’s not working, or you already know all of this stuff and need more help, we’re here for you! We have experienced couples therapists in Riverside CA and Murrieta CA who are available to help you and your partner move from reactive behavior to proactive problem solving. The thing is, we all have problems in our relationships. It’s too much to expect that the solution is to just not deal with them. So we all need solid strategies for how to deal with those problems without causing harm to our relationships.

Get help when you need it with weekly couples therapy in Riverside CA or a couples therapy retreat in California. Start today by booking a free 15 minute phone consultation with our Intake Coordinator.

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