Have you ever felt you were walking on eggshells when trying to talk about your partner’s alcohol use or feel that they just “shut down” when you bring it up?

You are not alone. Many people struggle with this conversation.

Below are five tips to keep in mind to help make this a positive experience.

Tip 1

Remember that your partner is probably embarrassed or ashamed if they have drank “too much” before and you tried to address this in the past. This helps us remember that our partner is not our enemy. They probably have a lot of emotions surrounding their use of alcohol or a previous event where they drank too much or they completely did not understand the severity of the situation.

Tip 2

Begin the conversation when you are not highly reactive.

You probably have already done this in the past where you were angered by their use of alcohol and then unleashed it on them. Then, this triggered your partner to become defensive and shut down. Let's do something different by managing emotions prior to the big conversation. Take a breather. Then, try the conversation. If you feel overwhelmed with feelings take another breather even if its in the middle of the conversation. Let your partner know you want this to be a good conversation and you need to take some breaths in order for this to happen.

Tip 3

Use “I” statements. Remember “I” statements can be useful to diffuse defensiveness because you are only speaking from your own perspective. Read our blog on Using “I” statements: Communication Skills for Relationships.

Tip 4

Stick to the facts. The more clear the better. If you recall one experience in the past when your partner used too much alcohol then stick to that one time to make sure your point is extremely clear and the conversation does not get lost or misinterpreted because you switched to a different memory. 

Tip 5

Establish boundaries.

Let your partner know your boundaries ahead of time and what the consequences are if those boundaries around alcohol are crossed. For example, you establish a 1 beverage boundary at an event. If the boundary is crossed the consequence can be that you do not engage with them until they are completely sober.

If this conversation has caused lots of discomfort/or tension

This is a sensitive topic and we may be too overwhelmed to actively listen to the other person or provide the best communication. If this conversation has:

• created a lot of tension

• you need help with creating a dialogue

• you are “afraid” it may cause more verbal arguments

Please contact a couples therapist. The therapist can help navigate this hard conversation. 

Things to be aware of: 

If you or your loved one is having issues with cutting down from the substance, plan to cut-down but don’t know how, are commonly experiencing negative consequences due to the substance use, have been hiding the substance, felt shame/guilt due to the substance use, or have been hearing from family/friends that they are concerned about you, it is probably best to contact a professional substance abuse/addiction counselor or rehab treatment facility. They can help you determine whether you need a program to help you quit and the intensity of the program that would meet your needs. 

Sometimes withdrawal from substances can have life-threatening consequences. If you can’t cut back without experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms, you should NOT attempt to go cold-turkey or do it on your own. Please consult with a professional substance abuse / addiction counselor or rehab or detox facility for an evaluation. A medically monitored detox can help you safely get off the substances without putting your life at risk. And yes, this is true even for alcohol. 

Side note:

Please do not attempt to have a conversation that is supposed to be productive with someone who is under the influence. The chances of this going well is slim. And, the chances of them remembering everything you talked about is even more slim.

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